Motivating and Caring for the Disabled

Image credit: Tyashki

My mother is sick, and has been since before I was born. She's a type 1 diabetic, she has severe rheumatoid arthritis, suffers from PTSD and has recently been diagnosed with retinal neuropathy (she's going blind). When all of that is combined it means a really depressed, tired woman. I love my mom, completely and unendingly, but sometimes she can be frustrating. You see, while she is my mother, I'm her primary caregiver.

The bright side to this is I've learned some fantastic skills in dealing with and caring for disabled family members. In an effort to help other people who find themselves in a similar situation, here are some useful tips I've compiled over the past couple years. I hope they are of use to you.

1. Take care of yourself. If you get too stressed, tired or grouchy it will make it impossible to do your job, let alone do it well. For me, this means regular sleep, time with my friends and lots of prayer.
2. Talk to them (if this is possible) about what they need the most help with. Be gentle, loving and don't raise your voice. For example, my mom needs help with changing my little siblings' diapers and doing the dishes the most. I wouldn't have known this if we hadn't talked about it.
3. Feed them a really, really good breakfast. Fresh fruit, whole grains and protein (yogurt, peanut butter, etc.) are the fundamentals of this meal. An awesome breakfast will help elevate their mood, relieve pain and stress, and energize them. This leads to a better day for them, and less work for you.
4. Go outside. Sunlight has been proven to help people feel happier, and the fresh air will increase the amount of oxygen available to their body, which also helps them feel better. A better mood means less pain, less stress and will release them from the mental cage a house can become. If getting them outside isn't an option, set them by an open window to soak up the sunshine and fresh air that way.
5. Try a schedule. This is especially important if they suffer from depression or bipolar, as studies have shown a regular schedule helps to stabilize mood. For my family, we try to keep meals, naptime and bedtime at the same times every day. This is doubly helpful because it helps the kids too.
6. Open a window and turn on the radio. Good, uplifting music helps a person feel happy, and the fresh air helps them feel better too. When you're inside, turn the tv off and turn on some nice music.
7. Make sure they get regular sleep. Lack of sleep causes hormone imbalances, weakens the immune system, and lowers mood. Regular, ample amounts of sleep help the body and the mind heal.
8. Regularly communicate with their doctors about treatment options, better medications, dosage adjustments, and more. Avoid addictive medications and medications that the body can develop a tolerance to. When possible, try alternative treatments such as acupuncture, aroma therapy, massage and diet changes.
9. Do your research. Your doctor won't tell you all the options, and your doctor might not even know about some options. My mom went through several doctors before she found someone who knew enough about type 1 not to put her into a coma. So do your own research. Educate yourself. The more prepared you are, the better.
10. Keep a piece of paper handy with their current medications and dosages, diagnoses, birth date, insurance info, and allergies for abrupt trips to the emergency room and new doctors
11. Get some exercise together. This is especially helpful with diabetes and rheumatoid arthritis. Do something simple, like take a walk together. Exercise is easier and more fun when done together, and it will help both of you feel good.
12. Make them some friends. My mom has a really hard time maintaining, or even gaining, friendships. However, with some concentrated effort to plan lunches with friends and playdates for the kids, she's able to maintain a fairly normal social life and this gives her a lot of joy. Just think how much you enjoy spending time with your friends.
13. Declutter. Clutter can prove to be a hazard (toys on floor are easy to trip on, for example), visual clutter causes stress, and caring for and maintaining and cleaning up clutter takes up valuable time and is hard work. It will make your home safer for your loved one, easier to clean and maintain, and more relaxing to be in the less clutter there is.
14. Help establish a morning routine. Getting in clean clothes, taking a shower and brushing the teeth help a person feel clean and refreshed. My mom always has a better day when it starts like this.
15. Find out what makes them happy, and encourage it. My mom likes lilacs and writing, so we've planted a few lilacs, set up a space for her to write, and I make time for her to do the things that make her happy.

Obviously, depending on you and your loved ones' situation, not all of this will be helpful. These are meant to be suggestions, not rules, and of course talk to your doctor if you have any doubts about any of these. 

Do you care for someone with a disabilities? What helps you do your job well?

Being Better Siblings

I see a lot of posts online about being a better mother, how to be a good father, and "peaceful parenting". I love these posts. I love reading them, studying them, learning from them.

But I'm not a mother. I'm certainly not a father. I'm a big sister.

And I think siblings are just as important in a child's life. Big siblings offer protection, guidance, comfort and serve as an idol of sorts. Younger siblings offer forth inspiration, understanding, acceptance, and perspective. And both give love, unconditionally, always.

So I'm going to do something different today. Instead of talking about being a better parent, I'm going to talk about being a better sibling.

1. Don't judge. Accept them for who they are. Even if you don't like it, even if it makes you uncomfortable, even if it challenges who you are and how you understand the world. Do not judge them on who they are. That is how families are torn apart, how countries go to war, how suicides happen, how racism starts, how prejiduce becomes violence. Don't judge them, and they won't judge you.
2. Don't yell. Storm away, slam doors, throw glass sculptures out the window, burn a forest down. But never, ever yell at them. No matter what, never, ever yell at them. Being yelled at hurts more than being hit, being kicked, being betrayed, being cheated. It is an indescribable pain, that in your-face knowledge that you have broken someone down to the point that they scream at you. It's never worth it. Don't yell.
3. Give, unconditionally. If they want to play with you, need help with homework, want a few dollars, need someone to talk to or hug, give it to them. Always. Nothing is more important than them. When you refuse them for something else, you are telling them that what you are refusing them for is more important. Is it?
4. Trust them.
5. Forgive. Give them unlimited second chances.
6. Never give up on them. Always believe in them, always support them, always help them and be there. No matter how frustrating they are or how hopeless they seem, keep trying.
7. Set a good example. Whether you are younger or older, your sibling's will see almost everything you do, and learn from it. So if you're doing something you don't want them to learn, maybe you need to change. Kids are the biggest detectors of hypocricy.
8. Be proud of them, often. Let it show, loudly. They ace a class that was hard for them? Throw a party. They draw a cool picture? Hang it up in your room. Brag about them - and let them overhear you doing it.
9. Be gentle. No matter how angry you get, how hurt you are, how betrayed you feel, don't hurt them. Physically or emotionally. No insults, no secrets revealed, no low-blows, no harsh criticism. Because once you've said it, you will never be able to take it back.
10. Have their back. They're family. That's more important than anything. So when they're struggling, whether they're facing a mean teacher or an army of demons, Have their back. Back them up.
11. Listen. Believe them. They want you to love them and accept them. Remember how much it hurts when your parents don't believe you. Give them the benefit of the doubt.
12. Know we all screw up, and that's okay. You will screw up, they will screw up, the whole world screws up on a regular basis. Accept that as a fact of life, learn from your screw ups and theirs, and move on. Don't let a mistake hold you apart.
13. Love them. And express it. Every opportunity you get to show your love, to prove it, to express it, take full use of that moment. Don't waste it.
14. Be honest.
15. Believe in them. Support them. Don't tear down their dreams - build them up.
16. Don't hit back. Don't take revenge. Let go of what happened, move on. Be the bigger person. Obviously if your life is in danger, protect yourself, but that's the only acceptable excuse, ever.

To older siblings: You are their leader. You are a king, a queen, a sovereign, a feudal lord. My question for you is what kind of leader you will be.
It doesn't matter if there's twenty years between you and your siblings. It doesn't matter if you live in different countries. It doesn't matter if you have one sibling or seven. It doesn't matter if they've screwed up in the past, or that you have. What matters is that they're family, and family is more important than anything.

I'm not perfect, and I'm certainly not a perfect sibling. I screw up, and I screw up royally. And I tend to screw up quite often, too. But I love them, and I try. So I'm not here sitting high and mighty on my throne, telling you how to live your lives. I'm just saying that maybe as siblings, we could be better.

How do you show your love for your siblings?

p.s. These things are applicable to parents, but with the level of authority a parent needs to maintain, among other factors, you might have to tweak things a little.

Further Reading:
http://zenhabits.net/the-way/
http://zenhabits.net/rents/

Healing Rituals

My father was violent, he was mean. He abused my mother on a regular basis, and it wasn't until just two years ago that she finally escaped. When she left, she fled to a Woman's Shelter. We stayed there for almost two months with several other woman and families.

And despite the fact that me, my two younger siblings and my mother shared a small 12x12 bedroom, and all the other complications of familial community living, and the pain that all of us were dealing with there, it was also one of the best, most positive experiences of my life.

I've moved 21 times, and in a few months it will be 22. And out of all of those places, that shelter is my favorite. And it's not for any reasons like I liked the paint colors or the tv was nice, it's because of the memories, the feelings, the people.

For people like me who have gone through a traumatic situation, whether it was only a few moments or several years, healing is essential. Not only is it essential, but it's hard, difficult, arduous. It's a long, up-hill climb. Sometimes it feels like you will never fully recover.

That shelter healed me, in so many ways. And I felt it would be important to talk about how it healed me. So that you, or someone you love, can heal too.

1. My "home base" was full of people who didn't judge me, or each other. No matter how hard the real world got, I could fall back to Home Base and recover.
2. I had proof of peoples love for me. When I got sick, someone bought me popsicles. When I was scared, someone talked to me. I was hugged, kissed, touched and generally loved. There were what I call Spontaneous Expressions of Love in which I was surprised with gifts, trips to the movies, and cooking lessons.
3. "Be still and know that I am God." Every morning, all the woman and I would get up early before the small children, go out and sit on the back porch and drink coffee in the silence. We would watch the sun rise, listen to the birds, smell the wind blowing through the pine trees as we cuddled up in our fluffy blankets and just breathed. Like meditation, but not quite. It was just existing in only that moment, in the silence, being completely still.
4. We took care of each other, and we took that job of caretaker seriously. No one flaked out on cooking dinner. The toilet was always clean. We could depend on our needs being met. There was no fear of being abandoned, even such a small way.
5. We ate dinner together. Every single night, no matter what. We never missed a night.
6. We supported eachother. In some cases, it was through formal support groups. But in others, it was more casual, but much more meaningful. It was talking about our dreams and our hopes. Giving each other advice, and holding each other while we cried.
7. We focused on filling our lives with happiness. We followed our dreams, stopped caring what other people thought, and were let free. We were all given freedom for the first time, and we took advantage of it.
8. We had coffee. Everyday started with the most simple ritual, but it was something we all clung too and took comfort in because it made us feel better. And it was important to start every day off with something that made us feel good.
9. We ate good food. We ate to feel good, instead of look good. Which means while we never pigged out on junk food, we weren't obsessing over low-fat milk. We ate real, whole foods like berries. We ate warm comfort foods like homemade mexican soups and stews that I don't even know the name of, mac and cheese from scratch and fresh-baked bread.

While some of this you may not find applicable to your life, I hope at least some of it will be.

How do you heal?